Friday night I fell asleep at 7:00 still wearing jeans and my Smart Wool long underwear top. (Those tops are awesome. I should have bought three more before I started this challenge. Also, they’re on sale right now at REI link to item. Go forth and support the economy if you are not soul searching and/or cash crunching– and most importantly, if you’re always cold.) I woke up at midnight with that fuzzy-teethed-confused feeling. I made the necessary adjustments (brushed teeth, took pants off) and went back to bed. Until 11:30 Saturday morning. I wish I could tell you this sleeping ’til nearly noon was an anomaly for me– a real solar eclipse at the Spikes’ house– but the truth is, I often binge-sleep on Saturday mornings. What I don’t usually do is fall asleep before the children the night before.
I’d felt a tickle in my throat a few days earlier. Nothing major, just an ominous, the Devil-has-a-feather-and-he’s-taunting-you-feeling. Now, its sore, not strep-sore, but sore. So of course I Googled “Mono in Adults” while laying in bed Sunday afternoon at 2:00, when once again, like a histrionic of the Victorian era I had to take to my bedroom. I fell asleep shortly thereafter.
I hate January. If January were an outfit it would be a kitten sweatshirt paired with khaki capris and Crocs, that’s how much I hate this month. I want to strangle it out of the calendar. But I don’t have that kind of power, so I’ve tried to suck it up, take on something new, and forge ahead, ignoring the dates the best I can. And we’re at the tail end (Meow!), but I feel like I’m struggling with some sort of delayed onset January-itis, and its kinda got me quarantined right now.
I don’t even want to go to the bank this morning, because you know how those Wells Fargo tellers are, all up in your grill, and “Happy Monday! Did you have a great weekend? What did you do?” And I can never think of lie quick enough so I’ll just say all Eeyore-ish “I slept. A lot. Went to a friends house. Ate Tacos. Watched some people drink, and since I don’t, I ate two, okay three servings of ice cream cake. Yep, just a deposit today, thanks Debbie.” Then she’d do the deposit and ask if there was anything else she could do for me, and I’d feel very unheard, because I already said “just the deposit.”
I struggle with depression. It’s mostly not a big deal anymore because, medication, and discontinued daily use of depressant. I’ve never been suicidal because I have better character and internal fortitude than that.
That’s not how it works at all, but sometimes you have to laugh so you don’t cry about how misunderstood mental health is. My depression has actually just never been that severe.
For instance, I’m not the type to lie in bed with the shades drawn for days on end. Okay, at least for weeks on end. A few days here and there, especially PMS days, I guess I am that type. But I’m not a walking Zoloft commercial with a storm cloud following me around.
In January, my joy go-to has been ripped away (and I know, I did that to myself), but I’m feeling pretty down about it. I’m not bored, I have plenty of BIG my-life-stuff to do around here, and the little life stuff for all the others keeps me abundantly busy, too. I have a nagging longing to catch an emotional lift at a store– really, any store will do. And going for a walk is not a substitute for a million reasons the biggest most obvious being, its cold out there and I don’t feel like it. And I know, recovery friends, move a muscle change a thought. But, BLECK.
I don’t even know where the walk substitute came from, I feel that’s like saying, “I’m really craving ice cream,” and someone says, “Oh my gosh, but have you tried bok choy!” Like, no. Not related. “I could use a glass of wine.” “Would you like some peanuts?” NO! Not. The. Same.
Socrates famously said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” And I want to say, really? Because it sounds pretty great to me right now. This whole challenge spun first out of a need to reel it in financially then out of a need to go deeper and make it bigger, and now I’d like to buy a take-back (I think I have enough in my account) because it just kinda sucks.
Maybe I have a cold, and I’m tired. Maybe Queen Baby is throwing a royal tantrum and its exhausting the entire royal court up there in my brain. Maybe my depression is kicking up and in another few weeks I’ll have to see about having my doctor change a medication. I doubt I have Mono; I never get lucky enough to have a concrete explanation for my crazy, a smoking gun if you will. Regardless, whatever maturity I have amassed in recent years has taught me today, we (that’s team ‘I’) will go to the grocery store, volunteer in my son’s classroom as per the commitment, then sit in front of this same computer and work toward everything I say I want. Because if what I really wanted in life were under my duvet I’d have found it already.
And that’s such a lovely way to end, and so empowered. But seriously, if today is anything like this weekend, that bed will hiss my name all day, so if by 2:00 all items have been checked off the list and I require a rest, that might just be what I have to do. Because as the pediatrician always says, “Its probably just viral. So, rest and fluids.”